Ed Kemmick
Time to answer some questions from our bulging mail sack.
Dear Ed: My roof, car and RV were all wrecked by the recent hailstorm, which means I’ve got insurance checks totaling $17,000 coming in soon. Would it be wiser to get everything repaired or simply blow the money? — Larry “Lockwood” Carson
Dear LLC: Your job, if you are any kind of American patriot, is to spend that money fast and hard. Getting everything repaired would help a few narrow sectors of the economy, whereas a consumer-spending bender would jump-start numerous economic sectors. It’s sort of like having the Bakken with none of the ill effects.
Dear Ed: I am a faithful recycler, but I’m not quite sure what to do with a trunkful of glossy fliers that I received in the mail in the months leading up to last week’s primary election. Recycling them seems like the responsible thing to do, but it would be much more satisfying to simply throw them away, knowing they would be buried under tons of smelly garbage at the landfill. What should I do? — Repulsed Voter
Dear RV: I know where you’re coming from. I keep hoping someone will figure out how to turn campaign fliers into kitty litter. In the meantime I guess I would continue recycling them. You can take some consolation in knowing that half the candidates and more than half the “independent educational groups” that sent you the fliers believe climate change is a hoax, and that recycling is evidence that you are drinking the climate-change Kool-Aid.
Dear Ed: I think Bulging Mail Sack would be a great name for a band. — Ryegate Rocker
Dear RR: It’s a free country; you can think whatever you want.
Dear Ed: I own a bakery here in town. I am also very uncomfortable around gay people. Or at least I assume I would be if I were around them. No, scratch that. What I mean to say is that I object to the morality of gay people, in that I believe that their morality differs from my morality, church-wise. I think my question is, why should I have to bake them a cake if they get married? — Not a Bigot, Just a Baker
Dear NaBJaB: I couldn’t agree more, which is why I’m working on something I call the full-disclosure ordinance. It would require anyone purchasing any goods or services to sign a document promising that the consumer item or service in question will not be used in any way that could violate the religious sensibilities of the person selling those goods or services. For instance, a devoutly religious electronics store owner should not be compelled to sell a television to a person who is going to watch pornography on that television, and the person buying the TV shouldn’t object to signing a full-disclosure statement. And in your case, of course you shouldn’t have to bake a cake for a gay couple. Nor should you be expected to bake a “birthday cake” that in reality is going to be consumed at a stag party involving strippers. That’s why we need a full-disclosure ordinance.
Dear Ed: I noticed that in the recent primary, Sam Rankin took out ads supporting Democratic Senate candidate John Bohlinger that said, “More wisdom. Less money.” Why would a politician be in favor of less money? — Confused Constituent
Dear CC: I think that was a typo. It should have read, “More wisdom = less money.” Very wise people understand the value of things like time and leisure, good food and moderate alcohol consumption. In this hard-charging world of ours, people who understand those values usually end up making less money. It’s an unusual campaign slogan, but I’m all for it.
