{"id":16129,"date":"2017-02-09T06:53:12","date_gmt":"2017-02-09T13:53:12","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/lastbestnews.com\/site\/?p=16129"},"modified":"2017-02-09T06:53:12","modified_gmt":"2017-02-09T13:53:12","slug":"for-jeans-shopper-simple-needs-way-too-many-choices","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/montana-mint.com\/lastbestnews\/2017\/02\/for-jeans-shopper-simple-needs-way-too-many-choices\/","title":{"rendered":"For jeans shopper, simple needs, way too many choices"},"content":{"rendered":"
\"Michael<\/a>

Michael Mason<\/p><\/div>\n

So there\u2019s this Valentine\u2019s Day dinner coming up and I realized I didn\u2019t have any decent jeans<\/span> to wear . . . and oh crap, I can hear my mother\u2019s voice now! \u00a0\u201cYou\u2019re taking your best girl out for a special occasion and you\u2019re going to wear\u00a0jeans<\/span>? Really?\u201d<\/p>\n

Jeez, Ma! It\u2019s Billings, not Bozeman.\u00a0 Anyway, here, jeans<\/span> are acceptable for weddings, symphony concerts, brandings and funerals.\u00a0 The No. 1 one rule to keep in mind, though, is that the only one ever permitted to wear freshly creased\u00a0jeans<\/span> is the dearly departed at a funeral, and then only if the loved one is neatly displayed in a traditional hand-made pine box.<\/p>\n

All bets are off, though, if the deceased is propped up at a microphone in the Pub Station or stuffed into a dim corner with a frosty mug of IPA duct-taped to his hand.\u00a0So, if you\u2019re not dead yet and you\u2019ve got\u00a0<\/span>creases in your jeans<\/span>, you\u2019d better be an International Monetary Fund hipster from Missoula. Or a touron on the way to Yellowstone to snap pictures of bison with that vintage Brownie Hawkeye hanging from an old black shoelace double-wrapped around your skinny neck.<\/p>\n

Well, anyhow, on Saturday<\/span><\/span>, I pop into my favorite discount clothing store, casually stroll through the ladies underwear department and over to the jeans<\/span> corner to get me a pair that shows off my manly legs and other studly parts.<\/p>\n

Easy peasy, right?\u00a0 How tough could it be?\u00a0 I mean there can\u2019t be more than a couple of styles to choose from?\u00a0 But no!\u00a0The world has gone crazy since the last time I bought jeans<\/span>.\u00a0 Now I am\u00a0faced with bundles and stacks and racks and hangers full of jeans<\/span> I\u2019d never heard of.<\/p>\n

\"CapreAir_Variable\"<\/a><\/div><\/div>Original, Straight (maybe for heteros only?), Slim Taper, Super Skinny, Skinny, Slim, Slim Straight (for skinny heteros only?), Boot Cut, Slim Boot Cut, Taper, Relaxed Fit, Relaxed Straight (for someone comfortable with their hetero-ness?), Comfort Fit, Loose Taper, Loose Straight (for a Hetero with questionable morals?), and don\u2019t forget . . . Cargo.<\/p>\n

They all sound like the names of cowboys pushing a bevy of beef to Miles City. \u201cYo, Slim, get together with Taper, Boot Cut and, oh yeah, Cargo, and round-up them loose dogies!\u201d<\/p>\n

Being a no-nonsense kind of guy, I wade right in, grab a bunch and head to the dressing room.<\/p>\n

Of course, then I find out that all the styles come in THREE styles.\u00a0 One that sits oh so slightly above the waist, heretofore known as Urkel style, one that sits oh so slightly below the waist (makes it harder for belly button lint to gather) and one that sits just a scoche above the pubic hair and just a little more than a scoche lower than our Big Boy\u2019s Butt Cleavage. I take most of these back as fast as I can!<\/p>\n

Leaving the dressing room, I eavesdrop on a guy modeling a pair of jeans<\/span> for his wife and daughter.\u00a0 Daughter says, \u201cDad, those look really great on you!\u201d \u00a0Wife says, \u201cHoney, you do look good in them.\u201d He says, \u201cDon\u2019t like \u2019em!\u201d Wife says, \u201cWhy, are they too tight in the waist?\u201d \u00a0He whispers so his daughter can\u2019t hear, \u201cNo, they squeeze my \u2026 you know.\u201d \u00a0EEEEWWWW!\u00a0 TMI.<\/p>\n

Rooting around, I come upon a pair of skinny jeans<\/span> with a 40-inch waist. Come on now, REALLY? \u00a0A FORTY INCH waist?\u00a0 What does THIS guy look like? A freaking basketball strutting around on Great Blue<\/span> Heron legs?<\/p>\n

And then.\u00a0 And then . . . I spot the Holy Grail, way off in a dusty, neglected corner.\u00a0 An unnoticed, un-touched, virgin stack of Reg\u2019lar leg, Reg\u2019lar waist, Reg\u2019lar cut, down-to-earth, real damn BLUE<\/span> JEANS<\/span>.\u00a0 I buy all 10 pairs.\u00a0 Now I\u2019m set for a decade\u2019s worth of Valentine\u2019s Days, anniversaries, birthdays, weddings, and funerals.\u00a0 Yee Hah!<\/p>\n

Growing up on a steady diet of “Howdy Doody,” “The Three Stooges,” Mad Magazine and rock and roll left Michael Mason completely unprepared for normal society. He and his wife, Karen, live outside Joliet, where he serves as personal retainer to a formerly feral feline named I. Moulton Gateaux. This just may be the only job Michael\u2019s misspent youth enabled him to handle.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

So there\u2019s this Valentine\u2019s Day dinner coming up and I realized I didn\u2019t have any decent jeans to wear . . . and oh crap, I can hear my mother\u2019s voice now! \u00a0\u201cYou\u2019re taking your best girl out for a special occasion and you\u2019re going to wear\u00a0jeans? Really?\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":152,"featured_media":16134,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[18],"tags":[5500,5501],"class_list":["post-16129","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-diversions","tag-jeans","tag-valentines-day","prominence-category-featured"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/montana-mint.com\/lastbestnews\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/16129","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/montana-mint.com\/lastbestnews\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/montana-mint.com\/lastbestnews\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/montana-mint.com\/lastbestnews\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/152"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/montana-mint.com\/lastbestnews\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=16129"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/montana-mint.com\/lastbestnews\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/16129\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/montana-mint.com\/lastbestnews\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/16134"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/montana-mint.com\/lastbestnews\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=16129"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/montana-mint.com\/lastbestnews\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=16129"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/montana-mint.com\/lastbestnews\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=16129"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}