I don’t want to pick on the Democrats because I know from my years in the newspaper biz that the Republicans are just as bad, but for some reason I am only on the Democrats’ email list this election cycle.
These past few weeks I have deleted many dozens of emails from the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee, in addition to “personal” emails from Barack Obama, Nancy Pelosi, James Carville, John Walsh, John Lewis and others.
I looked in my email Trash file today and was struck by the great string of alarming subject lines, which included these dandies: “Kiss any hope goodbye,” “Midnight tonight,” “Begging (12HR),” “Shocking setback,” “This could be the end,” “Terrifying,” “Begging, begging,” and “12:01 will be too late.”
People, you need to know that alarmism only works once in a great while. Ten times a day for weeks on end tends to take the edge off those Nightmare on Elm Street headlines.
And then the emails themselves, with their whining, cajoling, pathetic tones! I think they hoped to invoke tears of pity — followed by a rash of check-writing — but my inclination increasingly has been to laugh out loud at these lachrymose pleadings. Here are some of their opening lines or opening paragraphs:
“We don’t mean to nag, but President Obama, Hillary Clinton, and Nancy Pelosi have all asked for your help… and we’re still lagging dangerously behind.”
“Our FEC deadline is at midnight tonight. Out on the campaign trail, we’re battling through Karl Rove’s $5.5 million attack spree, and we need your help to push back.”
“When we say we’re begging, we’re REALLY begging.”
“We have never seen it this bad.”
“Seriously, we’ve tried everything. If we had the time, maybe we could go back to the drawing board.”
“We now have the opportunity to reopen the TRIPLE-MATCH for our final push towards the most critical deadline of the election — in 24 hours.”
“I’m sorry to email you first thing on a Monday morning. But I’m pleading with you because, as it stands right now, we will fall short of our goal.”
Here’s the opening of an email supposedly written by James Carville:
“We’re out of people to email you. In the last week, you should have received an email from: President Obama, Vice President Biden, Hillary Clinton, Nancy Pelosi. We’re not making this stuff up. Control of Congress is at stake.”
And here are a few “from” Pelosi:
“Hillary Clinton asked for your help this week. President Obama asked for your help this week. So far, more than 8O,OOO of our best supporters have responded to their calls-to-action. But sadly, it doesn’t look like you’re on that list.”
“Ok, I’m emailing you again, because I have to. I’m pleading with you again, because I have to.”
“OK, we’ve asked, we’ve begged, we’ve pleaded.”
“Honestly, I wasn’t planning on sending you an email this early in the morning. But then I saw our fundraising numbers…”
Let me respond:
“Barack, Joe, Nancy, et al., I feel your pain, but at the moment I’m having troubles of my own. Hell, my website was down all day yesterday.
“Anyway, I’m pleading, begging, throwing myself at your feet: please send me some dough, immediately, before midnight or even before 6 p.m., because the future of independent journalism in the Milky Way Galaxy may be at stake. I don’t even have time to check and see whether I should have capitalized “galaxy.” That’s how serious this is! Thanks.”
