Poor Polly, one of our readers, has no idea what this is all about.
Dear Ed: I gave up the Internet for the summer, thinking I needed to get off the digital merry go-round, read some books and experience the real world in real time. I was doing just fine — actually, I hadn’t felt better in all my 20 years — until recently. Everywhere I go, absolutely everyone is obsessed with something called the “ice bucket challenge.” Apparently, 75 percent of the people in this country have dumped ice water on their heads and posted videos of it on Facebook. Why, I don’t know. I have never felt so isolated, so out touch in my whole life. What am I supposed to do until Sept. 21? — Unplugged Polly
Ed Kemmick
Dear UP: Take the long view. Years from now, when your people are writing your obit, they will be able to say, with pride and awe, that “in the summer of 2014, Polly never poured a bucket of ice water on her head. She was truly one of a kind.”
Dear Ed: As a member of the population of persons carrying more than the optimal number of pounds, you will probably be a big (no pun intended!) supporter of my idea. I intend to dump a bucket of sausage gravy on my head and donate $10 to Battle Obesity Now, a not-for-profit group headquartered in Wisconsin. And then I will pass the challenge on to you. Are you ready? — Trend Setter
Dear TS: Much as I’d love to take up your challenge, I’m giving up the Internet for a month starting this afternoon. If a bucket is overturned in the woods and the video isn’t posted on Facebook, did it really happen?
Dear Ed: Is it true that some clown threatened to sue you for copyright infringement over the name of your online news site? — Wondering Fan
Dear WF: While we have no definitive information as to whether he is a clown, someone supposedly living in Boston did indeed threaten to sue Last Best News because he supposedly has a business called BestNews.com. Seriously, that’s what he said. And he claimed it is located in The Best Building, Suite 51942 (that’s a lot of suites!). We had until Aug. 15 to remove the word “last” from our website, after which he would be, in his own charming words, “vigorously litigating this matter.” This was after admitting that he uses “.com” for his website! Which I have already copyrighted! He is in for a world of litigating hurt.
Dear PV: Well, we have already seen Amanda Curtis referred to as a loon, a socialist and an atheist. Anybody who can bring the name-calling cranks out of the woodwork that fast must be doing something right.
Dear Ed: Is it true that Amanda Curtis, in one of her daily video reports from the Montana Legislature, said she felt like punching one of her fellow lawmakers? — Bob in Zortman
Dear BIZ: Makes sense, since she wants to take our guns away. Just kidding! The truth is, she was referring to Krayton Kerns, a humble cow doctor from Laurel who serves in the state House. Just peruse one of his homespun columns (I chose his most recent) and see if you don’t want to — no, wait, I don’t want to punch him. I want to pat him on the head and bring him another sippy cup of whatever it is he’s drinking. Still, you can sympathize with Ms. Curtis, I think.
Dear Ed: I have been enjoying Last Best News, and I don’t want to be critical, but don’t you ever feel that maybe you ought to get with the program? I mean, just look at it — day after day and never a single teaser to read about the controversial new skinny pill, not a word or a photograph about Kate Upton’s breasts, not even a scrap of information about how to access public arrest records. Aren’t you afraid of being left in the dust? — A Worried Fan
Dear AWF: Thanks so much for your concern. Please know that I am slowly making progress, while taking care not to infringe on any copyrights. I hope you noticed that in terms of jazzing things up, I used five exclamation points in today’s column. And of course the ice bucket challenge has now been mentioned on Last Best News. We’re getting there.
