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This is about as exciting as the “sport” of soccer gets. Honest to God.
Unless you have been taking a Mexican-style siesta under a rock, because that’s what Mexicans do instead of work, you know that Ann Coulter has written the definitive put-down of the so-called sport of soccer, which coincidentally is beloved by Mexicans.
This was no surprise. Coulter is the conservative pundista whose nuanced, droll waggery has made her into what one leading critic has called “the most ingenious American humorist since Foghorn J. Leghorn.”
Week after week, with a mischievous smile plastered on her face of equine proportions, Coulter prowls the American landscape like a very sharp pin, eager to burst the pathetic balloons full of liberal air and progressive helium.
Last week, the target of her nimble wit was soccer. Stripped of their side-splitting humor, Coulter’s main points were that soccer is boring, girls play it just as well as boys, no one ever gets hurt as in football, you can’t use your hands and it’s foreign.
Coulter didn’t say anything about how effeminate the “sport” is because she has too much class, but I will mention that former Gov. Brian Schweitzer once told me that when he watches soccer, his gaydar is at, like, 80 or 90 percent.
My only regret is that Coulter limited herself to soccer, which is also called — and if you don’t think this is funny you are beyond help, my friend — “futbol.”
Let’s start with tennis. Have you ever watched a tennis game, or a match, or whatever the hell they call it? Instead of lugging a manly size hunk of pigskin, these clowns whack a little green fuzzy ball with snowshoes.
And when somebody has zero they don’t say zero, because that would hurt their self-esteem. No, they call it “love.” I am not making this stuff up. I’ll tell you what, tennis is 0ne thing I “love” to hate.
Did someone mention boring? Baseball is so boring that when they film a guy scratching his southern hemisphere, they show it again on replay, in slo-mo. Also, baseball is the No. 1 sport in Cuba. Or, as the Cubans would put it, because they are too lazy to learn English, “el sporto numero uno.”
Then there’s hockey. Next to socialized medicine, this has to be the worst thing to come out of Canada. If you watch it on TV, you might be able to tell how someone scored after watching the goal in super slo-mo from eight or nine angles. But it’s a fact: in the whole tedious history of hockey, no one actually attending a game has ever seen the puck enter the net.
True, there is some violence attached to the so-called sport of hockey, but when two players square off for a fight, the first thing they try to do is pull the other guy’s shirt, or “jersey,” over his head. Did someone mention kindergarten?
There is an awareness on the part of hockey players that real Americans think of them as pantywaist pseudo-athletes. That’s why, at the end of the season, in the comically named “Stanley Cup Playoffs,” they all attempt to grow beards. Too little, too late, fellas. You’ll never wind up Ann Coulter’s phonograph, if you get my drift.
Don’t even get me started on basketball. All you have to know about basketball is that 40 percent of the L.A. Lakers season tickets are held by card-carrying Communist Hollywood actors. Might as well watch a Red Chinese ping-pong game.
Those are my main gripes. I wouldn’t expect someone of Coulter’s intellectual caliber to stoop to even naming the other non-sports that captivate the legions of Prius-driving half-wits infesting this country, but I will: volleyball, downhill skiing, marathons, ultimate Frisbee, badminton, sailing, lacrosse, handball, swimming, diving and, God help me, the Tour de goddamn France.
